Hey there! This here is Herb from down to Rabbit Hash. Listen, now, I know it’s been a while since ya heared from me and I am truly sorrowful ‘bout that but it really ain’t my fault. Ya know, them magazine people are really nervous and hard to figger. Anyways, I gots lots to tell y’all thet might help git ya thru the nex cycle of life.
You know now, there’s a day comin’ up nex month, the very first Tuesday that you ain’t a-gonna be able to buy beer or likker. And that’s cause it’s a-votin’ day. Now, c’mon….most of yous is outa work, so I knows you have the time to come down to the General Store to vote. Besides, there’ll be plenty of fellership and libations down there to the Scalded Hog resterant. I heered the Scalded Hog has damn-near 30 er 40 years experience in cookin’ up ribs and fried cabbage and such. Leastways, the sign is thet old fer sure. Started out some wheres in the Carolinas and was brot here to Rabbit Hash one night by none other than Crazy Clifford. After some serious improvements to the recipe, the pulled pork and the baby back ribs have been voted number one in the Ohio River Valley from Pittsburgh to Cairo. Voting ballots come with each order, and there’s a dollar off your purchase if ya vote a certain way. I’m jest sayin’.
Now I ain’t a-gonna git into politics ‘er religion, cause it don’t get ya no where, but in a snit and sometimes in a fight! My Daddy allus tole me that politics an’ religion was jest like a penis!.......ya don’t pull it out in public and ya don’t dare try and cram it down my kids’ throat! So, there! This comin’ voting day, ever one of you gits the pick of the litter. And by now, you know what litter is! ‘Specially cat ‘n dog litter. But try to imagine  what’s gonna hit the streets when these jack-asses and elephants starts to roam around. Keep a close reign on the little ones, ‘cause it’s gonna git ugly.
Feller tole me last week when we was talkin’ down to the store that he was hearin’ that this here gazillion dollar debt we got ain’t gonna matter anyway ‘cause acordin’ to the bible and to this feller Nostradumbass, the world’s gonna end anyway and there ain’t agonna be nobody tallying up who owes who what!
Now, folks, to me, that sounds better’n declarin bank rupture right now, because when the world ends, there ain’t gonna be no call fer settlin’ up! Ever body who makes it will start off the same…..jist like in that ol’ movie Planet of the Apes that I saw at the Florence Drive-In. I just thank God that Charleston Heston worked so hard as he did to allow us all to keep our guns and knives. Otherwise, Ol’ Herb here woulda never bin able ta feed hisself an his kit –n-kin. It’s Hollywood stars like him and Arnold Schwartneggar and Ronnie Reagan and that dude from Country Joe and the Fish  that has kept the U.S.of A. at the very top of the list of raining world powers.
Now it used t’ be here in boon county fer as many years es I kin er’member that the demercrats had the best whiskey around cum ‘lection day. But recently, them good ole boys down ther to the grand ol’ Party has cum up with some mitey fine tastin’ likker themselves. So it behooves a man ter hem haw aroun’with them fellers up there to the Crossroads on the hill above the Carlton presink an’ the election Center down to tha store. All ya gotta do is tell ‘em that yer  a’votin fer their man an’ you’re a mite thirsty. Then ya go acrost the way an’ tell ‘em other fellers the same thing. Shootin’ fish in a barrel ain’t no simpler!
Now them exit poles, ya gotta watch out fer them folks. I always just fib a little to them, ‘cause it ain’t none a their bizness who I  a-voted fer. To me, a exit pole is jist the same as the corn cob in the privy…if ya git what I mean.
Besides, after all thet likker, I usually don’t even recall who I voted fer!